Intro
At our recent MHSAP Student Council mental health night, we asked students and parents to write down a question or two they had about mental health. For our final four blogs of the school year, we will take a look at four of those questions. This week is a parent question. The next three weeks will be questions from students.
What are some ways to help kids grow in advocating for themselves, especially in public places?
Examples
Recently, a 16 year old girl I know at one of the schools I serve told me that the check engine light had gone on in her car. She told me that her dad told her she had to take it to the local auto parts store where they had a free check engine light service.
In another situation, a 10 year old, 4th grade student was going to serve as a ball shagger for a high school soccer game that I was helping to coach. When the referees arrived at the field, I took her over so that they would know who she was.
My Thoughts
In the first situation, my gut reaction was, “Your dad is making you face who knows what kind of young man alone?!?” I almost offered to go with her!! But experience has taught me that my own well intentioned motivation to protect kids from discomfort actually interferes with the development of their own strength, confidence and independence. This was not a dangerous situation. She did not need protection. She needed an opportunity to be challenged and grow stronger. When I asked her about it later, she said she was surprised that she knew as much about cars as the kid (male) that waited on her! But more importantly, she had gained confidence that she can - in the terms of the question - advocate for herself in public even when she is a bit nervous. The next time will be easier because there was a challenging first time.
In the second scenario, I asked the 10 year old to introduce herself. She naturally asked if I could do it. “I’m nervous!” I really wanted to but I made her do it herself. This was not a dangerous situation and the only thing I would have protected her from was pushing through her own nervousness. She did it and it went fine - as it almost always does in these situations. And the next game, she volunteered again and went right up to the referees and introduced herself. She was strong the next time because there was a challenging first time.
Conclusion
Whether you are reading this as a parent or as a student, strengths of all kinds, both physical and emotional, are developed through challenges and never through being protected and enabled to avoid those challenges. There are verifiable stories of parents showing up at job interviews for their college graduate adult children. If you are a parent and that makes sense to you, you probably need to seek some outside input! If you are a student, you do not want that to happen to you in your future.
Both parents and students need to work on developing the strength of self-advocacy in the weight room of real life experiences. Here are some thoughts, written to parents, but students can also adopt them to their own approach - as you get older, think about how you can do some of these things without asking for help. Challenge yourself!
Put kids in situations of having to self advocate in which there is not a safety issue. Emotional discomfort is not a safety issue in this case. In most cases, “Can you just do it for me?” should be answered with a firm, “No. You are strong and brave and you can do this yourself.”
Examples of things kids can do for themselves and, other than being a bit nervous, will suffer no harm and will likely get stronger in their abilities to advocate for themselves:
- Make phone calls to schedule appointments (phone skills are pretty weak these days considering how many people have phones in their pockets!)
- Order at restaurants for themselves
- Ask for help locating items at stores
- Checking in at medical appointments
- Introducing themselves to new people
- Talking to teachers at conferences
Get out of the way and allow your kids to flounder and even fail in these situations. Remember that while seeing your kid squirm a little is uncomfortable, being in these gently challenging situations will help them squirm much less and be more confident in future situations. And at the same time, you will discover that you can handle seeing your kid squirm a little and suffer no harm as a parent! You will be better at it next time also!