Intro

For the next two weeks, we will look at a relationship principle that is important in building our own mental health as well as contributing to the mental health of our families and peers. 

Here is a truth: No relationships between humans exist without incidents of conflict.  These can range from brief misunderstandings to full blown arguments that can last for days or weeks or months. Knowing that conflict is going to come, it is important to have an understanding of how important it is to resolve conflict as well as strategies for doing so!

My Thoughts

If we look at conflict as a “rupture” in a relationship, then we can consider “repair” as the process by which we address rupture toward the goal of restoring, and usually strengthening, the relationship.  Repeated rupture and healthy repair are necessary to build strong relationships. 

Without rupture, a relationship is never truly tested. Some people tend to essentially ignore small ruptures as if they don’t really matter.  They will pretend either that they didn’t happen or “I’m just not going to say anything.” Then when a rupture that cannot be ignored does come (and it will!) we may lack the experience and resources to deal with the rupture successfully.  If we don’t deal with small ruptures well, we will be forced to deal with big ruptures.

Without repair, ruptures lead to relationships that can’t be trusted when inevitable conflict occurs.  People will either deny the rupture, which breeds insecurity on both parts, or they will separate for an extended period of time and perhaps come together again “as if nothing happened.”  It doesn’t work well.  That’s not repair.  That’s like turning the music up so you don't hear the noise your car engine is making!

When we do rupture - repair - and do it repeatedly, our confidence and trust in the specific relationship grows.  We learn that we can have conflict and that our relationship actually gets stronger as a result.  In addition, as we practice this concept in our relationship, we are building strong neurological pathways for dealing with future relationships in marriage and with our own children.

Conclusion

Some hints:

• Don’t deny ruptures. Not with your friends; not with your family. 

• Be honest about your role in any rupture.  Take responsibility for your part.  Did you say something you shouldn’t have?  Admit it.  Did you overreact emotionally? Apologize. Did you completely misunderstand what someone else said? Confess and ask for another opportunity to listen.  Lead with your part in the rupture, even if you don’t think it’s your fault, before accusing the other person.

• Ruptures should take place between two people in a relationship, NOT between two people because of what a third person said to one person about the other!  Go directly to the person and address concerns with that person.  Don’t quickly believe second hand information.

• If there is tension in your relationship, and are not sure why, have a conversation and express your feelings.  Feelings are not true - they just are.  But unaddressed feelings will truly become a bigger problem!

• Repairing ruptures may start with strong emotions, but it can’t end with them.  Repair is an intentional decision to address a rupture toward the goal of restoring the relationship.  It is not and cannot be done well if the point of the discussion is to prove who is right.  Effective repair may include emotional moments, but you will know it’s been done best when the conversation ends calmly and a sense that we have grown closer by dealing with and putting the rupture behind us.

• Repair ruptures quickly - more on this next week.

Finally, this is about the process of rupture and repair in healthy relationships or at least in relationships that are working on getting healthier.  There are some ruptures that cannot and would not be repaired.  Verbally or physically abusive relationships, a relationship in which one person is manipulating the other person and so on may not have the potential for health.  Seek the counsel of someone you trust if you are not sure about this in a specific relationship.